IT'S OVER OUR HEADS

In a brilliant move to reduce the defence budget, the military brass hats are saving the cost of missile carriers by installing surface to air missiles on peoples’ roofs .  The trial period for this exercise will be during the Olympics.  Apparently, residents receive notices through their doors outlining the intention, followed by a group of squaddies with large crates a couple of days later. Under the next extension of this innovative scheme, nuclear submarines are to be stationed in private outdoor swimming pools.   Who says ‘military intelligence’ is an oxymoron.

HELLS BELLS!

The Olympic bell, a symbol of the 2012 games  and the might of Great Britain, is to be made in the Netherlands. The commission was given to the Whitechapel  foundry, who cannot handle such a large piece, and so it was sub-contracted  to a Dutch company.  Unbelievable!   No wonder we have high levels of unemployment in the UK, if we insist on letting prestige work disappear overseas,  This ought to set the alarm bells ringing, and presumably it will, when the new alarm bells are delivered from Thailand.

LET THEM EAT CAKE

The tanker drivers’ dispute is the result of the latest attempt to reduce the wages and benefits of a group of workers.  Degraded pensions, minimum wages, cheap illegal labour and part time work, all in the name of reducing costs, is the price that is being paid by the ordinary citizen.  Meanwhile, the bankers (not rhyming slang) walk away with obscene bonuses and wages (whilst ignoring investors’ protests) …………. and the gap between the ‘haves’ and ‘have not’ grows.  Mon Dieu, I’m sure this happened somewhere before.  Still, I’ll just keep sharpening this guillotine blade and get the tumbrels on order.

A SACRIFICE WORTH MAKING

As we watch the Murdochs suffering acute amnesia under questioning, whilst their employees go to the wall, and Jeremy Hunt cling to his cabinet post, as his special advisor, Adam Smith, resigns, it makes one realise how fortunate we are to have  leaders who are willing to make such sacrifices.  It does however remind us rather of Harold Macmillan and “the night of the long knives”.  Macmillan sacked seven members of his cabinet in an attempt to save his own skin, provoking, from Jeremy Thorpe, the line………." greater love hath no man than this, that he should lay down his friends for his life."

THEY WALK AMONG US........

With the current fuss over Jeremy Hunt and his relationship with Murdoch, I thought I would look into his background……. and it all seemed  strangely  familiar.  So I did a ‘compare and contrast’ with a couple of other senior tories.

Jeremy Hunt is the eldest son of Admiral Sir Nicholas Hunt and Meriel  Eve Givan (Lady Hunt) .  He was educated at Charterhouse School, and Magdalen College, Oxford where he graduated with a First in Philosophy, Politics, and Economics (PPE).

David Cameron is the younger son of stockbroker the late Ian Donald Cameron and his wife Mary Fleur a retired Justice of the Peace and the daughter of Sir William Mount, 2nd Baronet. He studied Philosophy, Politics and Economics (PPE) at Oxford, gaining a first class honours degree.

George Osborne is the eldest of four sons of Sir Peter Osborne,17th Baronet and Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock, the daughter of artist Lady Clarisse Loxton Peacock. He was educated at Norland Place School in Holland Park and St Paul's School in Barnes and gained a 2.1 in Modern History at Magdalen College, University of Oxford.

OMG!  We are being governed by a set of clones. With all that silver ware in their mouths  it’s a wonder they can speak at all, let alone communicate with the common man.  Yes, gentlemen, we’re  all in ’it’ together.  It’s just that some of us have the ‘S’ and the ‘H’, as well!.

STOKE OF GENIUS

A housing association in Stoke on Trent has rejected plans by Newham council to relocate some of its poorest benefit claimants to the West Midlands.  Newham council claims that, following a government cap on housing benefit payments, it can no longer afford to house tenants.  Whilst it is tempting to drag Newham, kicking and screaming, into the 19^th century, it has to be pointed out that sending your poor to the colonies is no longer regarded as acceptable.

CHIPS WITH EVERYTHING

It would appear that in future, every  puppy born in England will have to be fitted with a microchip to show its ownership.  No doubt, legitimate dog owners will comply with these requirements at significant expense to themselves, while the moronic retards with their trained fighting pitbulls will not.  Yet another missed target.  Still, it gives a new meaning to the Korean delicacy of Alsatian and chips.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS

They’re at it again!   Using a very lopsided extradition agreement , which, if I recall correctly was designed to fight terrorism, the US Justice Department are now seeking to extradite Richard O’Dwyer for the heinous and world threatening crime of setting up a website, signposting other sites from which you could download copyright material.  This extradition is essential if we are to save democracy and civilization as we know it, and will allow the USA to continue such democratic practices as imprisonment without trial, death by lethal injection, extraordinary rendition and summary execution by drone.  I’ve not included an illustration in this posting because I wasn’t sure about the copyright, and I’m told that the food in Guantanamo Bay is crap.

PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

Dermatologists have expressed concern that the new nickel-coated-steel 5p and 10p pieces may provide "unacceptable risks to health".  It is feared that the new coinage may cause allergic reactions and skin disease.   This gives the lie to the old adage," the change will do you good". 

WET, WET, WET

So the Midlands has now been officially declared “in drought”, and within 24 hours the heavens opened and the rain began to pour.  The use of a hosepipe is allowed, but is impractical, because the aforesaid equipment is lying at the bottom of the lake that was once the back garden.  Soon distraught citizens will be wading waist deep though flooded streets to access stand pipes and bowsers.  Who needs a rain dance when you have the Environment Agency.

F**CK ME

The earth tremors near Blackpool earlier this year were likely to have been caused by “fracking” activity in the area, according to a report by Cuadrilla,a firm specialising in the extraction of shale gas. Fracking involves drilling deeply into the earth and pumping in a mixture of water, sand and chemicals to allow the gas to be extracted.  Despite the tremors, further extraction activity has been approved. Environmentalists are concerned that major earthquakes may hit the Blackpool area causing millions of pounds worth of improvements

NUN DESPERANDUM

A court in Milan has been told that, at a so-called “Bunga, Bunga” party at a villa in Ancore, former Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi and guests, were entertained by pole dancing women dressed as nuns.  It is comforting to see that, after a tempestuous career in politics, Signore Berlusconi has settled for the quiet life and has finally embraced religion. 

STAMP OF DISAPPROVAL

After the petrol  panic, we now have the stamp panic (aka the Stampede).  With the forthcoming large price increases, the public are flocking to their Post Offices and web sites, to purchase and stockpile first and second class stamps.   These will then be stored in safe places and be lost forever, thus giving the Royal Mail an unexpected bonus.  But what has caused this problem?  The answer:  the regulator, Ofcom.  By stopping the Royal Mail charging commercial rates over the years, when the increase has been made, it has been unusually large.  So the Stampede continues and stocks are becoming exhausted.  I’d write to Ofcom and complain, but I can’t buy a stamp anywhere.

THIS WON'T HURT ....POSSIBLY

Physiotherapists in Rushliffe, Nottinghamshire, have been told not to use manipulation or touch patients in future, but to talk to them instead. This will reduce waiting lists and allow more patients to be seen.  Following the success of this creative and innovative approach, ambulance crews won’t take the injured to hospital, police will not apprehend criminals and orthopaedic surgeons will no longer set bones.   The Inland Revenue and traffic wardens will, of course, operate as usual.

TWICE AS NICE

It gives you a warm glow to know that you live in a country that believes in the principles of true justice and will not send wrong doers to countries that use torture.  As a result of this, Abu Qatada remains amongst us, despite his history of incitement.

How strange therefore that we are willing, some may say eager, to extradite to the USA (under legislation which we were told was anti-terrorist legistration) Gary McKinnon for hacking US military computers, looking for evidence of UFOs, and the Nat West Three for a UK-based fraud. Let us remind ourselves that it is the same USA that gave us “water boarding" and “extraordinary rendition”, or as they are otherwise known torture and torture by proxy.

To have standards is good, presumably to have double standards is twice as good!

NOW YOU SEE THEM .....

From today, any large store or supermarket selling cigarettes or tobacco products must hide them from view, conjuring up a vision of a sort of addicts' Easter egg hunt.
 But why stop there!  What about all the other harmful products?  Booze, sweets, crisps, high fat burgers, salt-laden processed meals etc.etc. Our supermarkets would become rows and rows of shelves (other than those containing fruit and veg) covered in sheets, with customers burying beneath them like demented moles. Now, not only would you not be able to find products cheaper elsewhere, you wouldn't be able to find them at all!

SURPRISE,SURPRISE

A report today has revealed that corruption is widespread in Italian football.  In the true spirit of the release of this bombshell, here are some more significant facts.  The seas are wet, space is enormous and the Pope is catholic......all information supplied by the Society for the Bleedin' Obvious.

SACREBLUE

It is said that President Cristina Fernández of Argentina has raised the Falklands issue to divert attention away from her domestic problems. By claiming ownership of a small group of islands 290 mile off the Argentine coast she hopes the people will ignore their dire financial state.  Nicolas Sarkozy is also in trouble domestically and the British Isles are only 21 miles from France.  Better brush up the old school French, folks.

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE

With the 30th anniversary of the Falklands (sorry Las Malvinas) war upon us, President Cristina Fernández has gone on the verbal attack again.  It is obvious that a small British, English-speaking colony, 8000 miles from home should not exist. Perhaps the irony of the fact that she delivered the address in Spanish has escaped her.  We were all occupiers, the difference is merely when.