ARE YOU NOW, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ....

A weary Lance Armstrong has given up the fight to prove that he did not use performance enhancing drugs in his cycling career, by deciding not to participate in an arbitration process. The cyclist has suffered years of persecution from the U.S. anti-doping agency, lead by Travis Tygart.  Arnstrong was subjected to hundreds of drugs tests during  his career, all negative, so the only evidence available to the US agency must be hearsay.  It is good to know that the spirit of McCarthy lives on. After all we don’t want to confuse the verdict with evidence, do we.  Tygart intents to erase all Armstrong’s wins including all his Tour de France victories. You may think that the USA rules the world, Mr Tygart, but the victories are not yours to take way. I think that you’ll find the clue is in the title “Tour de FRANCE”.

FOWL PLAY

The island paradise of Bermuda is suffering an unusual affliction ……. over 30,000 feral chickens.  The birds, originally derived from domestic stock, were released to the wild either by irresponsible owners or during Hurricane Emily.  A pair of wild fowl can produce up to 15 chicks in 20 weeks, and the chicks reach breeding age after five weeks. Several methods have been tried to suppress this avian tide but the ultimate solution has now been implemented …… they have called in Colonel Sanders.

IT'S LIFE JIM, BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT

The latest Mars mission confirmed the presence of primitive life on the red planet when  “Curiosity” the Mars rover, was loaded onto an unmarked, rusting vehicle, carted away and sold for scrap. 

.....AND FRIGHTENED MISS MOFFAT AWAY

A new family of spiders has been discovered in the USA, in caves in Oregon and California.  The arachnid, which has been named Trogloraptor (cave robber),is 4cm long when extended and has vicious and impressive claws.  Experts say it is “ a fierce and specialised predator” although they are, as yet, unable to determine exactly what it eats.  However, it has been noted that one of the scientists investigating the caves has not been seen for several days.

BUT IT'S CHEAP

They’re at it again.  The Government has handed the franchise for the running of the West Coast Mainline to the UK's largest rail operator, FirstGroup, who made what industry insiders have described as a "suicide" offer of £6.5bn to £7bn to run the line.  The unions say that this will lead to a reduced service and job losses, and there is a fear that it may result in the new operator going bust.  Once again the Government may have failed to recognise the difference between “value” and “cheapness” and have illustrated its lack of skill contracting out business, only time will tell.  It is possible that Virgin, the current franchisees may pull out of rail transport completely, so what price competition then.

COMIC IN PERIL

Following reports of declining sales, the comic, "The Dandy" may be facing closure.  A spokesman for D.C. Thompson, named as Dan, said the situation was desperate.

YOU'LL GO QUICKER BY RAIL

From January, there will be an average increase of regulated rail fairs, mostly season tickets, of 6.2%.  To add insult to injury this does not even guarantee a seat. Although Health and Safety has a bad name these days, consider this.  There are moves to make cycling helmets compulsory, the typical speed of a cycle is 10mph, people travelling by car are compelled to be seated and wear a seat belts, maximum legal speed 70 mph, and yet we allow people to stand up, totally unprotected, in trains travelling at up to 140 mph. Presumably, the thinking is, that, following the relentless assault from increased ticket prices, passengers have already lost the will to live.

ALL THAT GLISTERS .......

The wonderful 2012 London Olympics have drawn to a close, a triumph of organisation, dedication and creativity.  Congratulations to all involved in the organisation.

The performance of our athletes has also been remarkable, obtaining a brilliant third in the medals table.Now, far be it from me to inject a sour note into the euphoria, nor yet cast a curmudgeonly veil over this achievement, but I would humbly suggest this is not the case.  True, we received more gold medals than Russia, who were officially placed forth, but this ignores all the silver and bronze medals.  If we consider total medals, Russia had 82 and GB 65; third place Russia.  But, I hear you cry, that values a bronze medal as equivalent to a gold.  So let us weight the value of the medals  gold 3, silver 2,  and bronze 1.  Total scores Russia 156, GB 140. Well, perhaps the differential of the weighting should be increased, say,  gold 5, silver 3 and bonze 1.  Total scores Russia 230 GB 215.  Russia still beat us.

Congratulations therefore, to the GB team for their brilliant performance in obtaining a superb and creditable fourth place in the overall medals table and a little less mathematical spin please .

REVERTING TO TYPE

So, as the London Olympics come to an end, I assume that it will be business as usual in the rest of the world; war, killing, mayhem, fraud, cheating and lying, banker's bonuses and other criminality.  I do however think that it shows great deference to GB that the rest of so-called humanity was willing to postpone its murderous ways for a couple of weeks to allow us to fill our papers, cover to cover, with sport                                                           

BORIS FLIES IN

     Perhaps in an attempt to investigate a new transport opportunity for the capital, Boris Johnson, the tousled-haired Mayor of London, attempted  to travel on a zipwire in Victoria park. The trip, as you might expect, went hopelessly wrong leaving Boris dangling in the air calling for a rope.  Be careful what you ask for Boris.  If everyone who wished to see you on the end of a rope was allowed in the park, extensive crowd control would be needed.