GRINNING LIKE A CHESHIRE CAT......

Senior executives at the Royal Bank of Scotland have been praised by the Prime Minister for their self-restraint in awarding themselves only £600m in bonuses, as a reflection of their major achievement of a £5.2b annual loss…., much as a result of serious malpractice……..and they say Alice was in Wonderland. 

TROT ROUND TO IKEA

Meatballs served in Ikea stores have been found to be contaminated with horsemeat.  A spokesman for Ikea said that the problem would have been identified earlier but the recipe was in Swedish and two of the ingredients were missing. Tests for Reindeer meat are still in progress.

AND THE WINNER IS .......

Well, the Italian elections are over and total chaos would appear to be the outcome. In the Senate Pier Luigi Bersani, of the Common Good Coalition, has most votes with around 10 million, while  Silvio Berlusconi, of the centre right coalition, and who still faces criminal charges for sleeping with an underage prostitute, a charge which he, of course, vehemently denies, follows closely with about 9.9 million votes.  Mario Monti  (with Monti for Italy) the man who has been trying to sort out Italy’s problems, was rewarded with a poor third ( 3.6 million). Meanwhile, in the Chamber of Deputies, the winner was Beppe Grillo, a stand up comedian, who says he will not form a coalition with any other party. So while stock markets around the world tumble at the news of the results, no one can say that the Italians aren’t taking the situation seriously.

I'M JUST SLIPPING OUT FOR A CURRY, DEAR.

I have just sat and listened to Edwina Curry, on the radio, going on about Lord Rennard, and spouting about his immorality touching ladies knees. Quite right said I.  Then I thought, Edwina Curry, isn’t she the one that was shagging Prime Minister Major?  Strange thing this immorality.

A "HANDS ON" CHIEF EXECUTIVE

Liberal Democrat peer and past chief executive of the party, Lord Rennard, is being investigated for “inappropriate behaviour” or “keeping in touch with the party workers” as it’s known. The incidents which happened some years ago (2003 to 2007) have come to light just a few days before the critical Eastleigh election.  Now that’s what I call unfortunate timing! 

AH MEN

Cardinal Keith O'Brien, the UK's most senior Roman Catholic cleric,has resigned after being accused of "inappropriate acts" towards fellow priests or “fiddling with the hymns” as it’s known. The accusations,which date back to the 1980s, mean that the Cardinal will not join the conclave to vote for the new Pope. Now that's what I call unfortunate timing!

SHUTTING THE GATE AFTER THE HORSE HAS BOLTED

The great horsemeat scandal continues to cause havoc throughout the food retail industry across much of Europe, but the biggest question is not where the meat came from or who first labelled it ‘beef’ but why has this outrage not attracted a ‘gate’ suffix like 'Watergate', ‘bloodgate’ or ‘plebgate’.   Here’s a few to be going on with: Starting gate,  Stable gate, Burger gate, Surrogate

BEEF GOING CHEEP, OR NEIGH OR WOOF!

 Findus has withdrawn its beef lasagne from supermarket shelves after tests showed that some batches contained 100% horse meat. How can such a thing arise?  Answer, it’s all part of the race to the bottom, making everything as cheap as possible.  Cheap meat is imported from the less salubrious parts of the continent, passes through a couple of traders to the manufacturers and then to the supermarkets.  We are assured that there is no danger to health.  A meaningless statement.  If the suppliers cannot even guarantee the species from which the meat came, what about the hygiene in the slaughterhouse, the veterinary checks required by law in this country, how do you know the that animals were not medicated with drugs harmful to human health, etc. etc. etc..  Keep your reassurances. Like your products they’re rubbish.  

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

Barclays is to increase the funds set aside for mis-selling to consumers and businesses by another £1bn, taking the total to £2.6bn.  Let us be clear, mis-selling is just a polite term for a certain type of fraud.  Fraud is a crime. Since this is going to cost billions of pounds it is a massive crime.  The leaders of the banks are responsible for this and are therefore fraudsters and criminals. WHERE ARE THE HANDCUFFS?

ADAM AND stEVE

Today there will be a parliamentary vote on the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill which will permit the marriage of gay couples.  The debate of the bill, which did not appear in any of the main party manifestos, will form a suitable distraction for all the real issues, such as the economy and our move towards yet another war, this time in Mali.   We are promised by the Prime Minister that no religious minister will be compelled to perform a same sex marriage if it is against his/her beliefs.  But it will take only one appeal to the European Court of Human Rights by a gay couple, claiming discrimination and a breach of their rights if they are not allowed to wed at their local parish church, for the promise, rather like the economy, to be broken.