BABY,BABY

I, Halfabrain, have received confidential information concerning the names of the new Royal baby.  In order to keep the common touch, the new arrival is to be called Kevin Jason Wayne, and the eventual coronation of King Kevin will mark a new era in the British Constitution.  Also I am told that the sea will boil, pigs will fly and politicians will always tell the truth.

WHEN IS A COUP NOT A COUP?

US Secretary of State John Kerry has again refused to describe the ousting of Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi as a military coup.  Morsi was awarded power in an election that was recognised as generally fair with a majority of 51% and was imprisoned for his trouble, and several of his followers murdered by the military.

According to the Encyclopaedia Britannica      a coup d’état, 
also called a coup, is the sudden, violent overthrow of an existing government by a small group. The chief prerequisite for a coup is the control of all or part of the armed forces, the police, and other military elements. 
This would appear to be an exact match for the Egyptian situation.
 So why is the West not up in arms; because their preferred candidates did not win the original election, (cf Algeria). We apparently only believe in democracy when we win, and if a winning margin of 51% is marginal, where does that leave Cameron and Clegg and why do we have Police Commissioners

A TESTING TIME

Childrens’ performances  in English and maths, at the age of 11 will, in future, be compared on a national basis, said Nick Clegg.  The assessments  will be based on the results of yet another exam which is to be introduced, and will allow children to be classified as high, low or average performers.  More opportunities  for “teaching to the exam” and distorted league tables. It brings to mind the old country saying “You don’t fatten a pig by keep weighing it!”

THIS IS WI TU LO, YOUR CAPTAIN, SPEAKING.........

The airline Asiana is to sue the news channel KTSB for giving false, racially offensive names for the pilots involved in the San Francisco aircrash, as they felt that it would damage the company’s reputation. I think that you will find that bringing the flight in too slowly, missing the runway and knocking off the tail killing three passengers will probably have a far more deleterious effect                                                                  on Asiana’s good name.

BIG BROTHER

   Edward Swowden, a 29-year-old former technical assistant for the CIA is now the USA’s public enemy No 1. And his chrime?  Mass murder, plotting the downfall of civilisation as we know it or selling secrets to the enemy?  No, none of these. He has embarrassed the US  Government by revealing that they have access to the ordinary citizen’s e-mails, text messages and Twitter accounts and have shared these with the UK, the so-called home of democracy.

      And so will begin the call for his extradition back to the States.  Whilst it is obviously not acceptable to extradite someone to Jordan, because they may use evidence obtained by torture, it is OK to send them to America despite the USA having the death penalty ( especially if you’re black,) sponsoring  torture  (extraordinary rendition) an keeping people prisoners for years without charge or trial (Guantanamo Bay). It’s great to have standards but double standards are twice as good!

FRIED CHICKENGATE

We’re at it again, concentrating on the trivia of life and ignoring the big issues.  Sergio Garcia has committed the heinous and unforgivable crime of suggesting that he would invite Tiger Woods to dinner and serve fried chicken.  I can hear the sighs of horror…… fried chicken. There are demands that Garcia be sacked, banned from golf or hung drawn and quartered for this outrageous behaviour. Thank heavens there is nothing more important happening such as homicidal religious maniacs wandering the streets, the financial backbone of the western world collapsing or global warming altering our weather patterns.  Honestly…..fried chicken.

PLAY IT AGAIN, UNCLE SAM!

So after the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq,(which didn’t exist), and Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan,(he was in Pakistan) we now have the use of chemical weapons in Syria.  Those clever chaps in the US Secret Service have spotted an irrefutable fact which will mean that the Americans and their attack poodles can move into yet another country, bomb the bejabbers out of the population and then have absolutely no idea how to sort out the mess.   President Obama has described the use of chemical weapons, if confirmed, as a” game changer.”  No Mr President, I think that you will find that it’s just the same old game.

POOR LITTLE RICH BOY

Barclay’s bank has awarded the appropriately named Rich Ricci, its investment banking chief, a shares bonus of £17.5 million which he can cash instantly and choose, if he wishes, to use to purchase further racehorses for his string.  Yes, this is the same Barclay’s that was fined heavily for the Libor scandal. The news was released on budget day prompting the accusation that Barclay’s were burying bad news.  Never mind, Mr Ricci may be comforted after the string of abuse and criticism that will surely come his way by the thought that, thanks to that nice Mr ‘we’re all in it together’ Cameron and his reduced top rate of tax, he will also receive an additional £27K on his salary. 

WHO TOOK THE 'P' FROM PINT

The budget has been presented and only the sound of deckchairs scraping on decks was heard, but one gleam of light was the penny off the price of a pint of beer.  That does however mean that you have to drink a hundred pints to save a pound. Ah well.  That’s going to be tough, but someone’s got to do it

OH, ISLAND IN THE S***

So the EU has developed another whizzo scheme to part citizens from their hard earned money, this time in Cyprus.  The money that the good people of Cyprus have deposited in the Cyprus banks will be taxed (or stolen, as it is more correctly known) at a rate of up to 10%. The EU and IMF have demanded the levy in return for a 10bn-euro (£8.6bn) bank bailout. This is essential so that bankers can receive their bonuses, the politicians get their inflated salaries and perks and the European “train de sauce au jus de viande” keeps rolling 

MIRROR, MIRROR

Nick Clegg has admitted that the Lib Dems must take a “long, hard look in the mirror”.  You bet.  Look in the mirror to make sure that Lord Rennard isn’t creeping up behind you, ready to grope your knees.

BYE BYE BAMBI

A cull of the growing population of deer in the UK has been called for by the University of East Anglia backed by TV presenter and naturalist Chris Packman.  There are now more than 1.5 million of the animals in the UK. They cause road accidents and destroy the environment and it is estimated that a 60% reduction in numbers is needed

There are now over 63 million people in the UK, a rise of over 4 million in 10 years.  They cause road accidents and destroy the environment.  Over to you Mr Packman

GRINNING LIKE A CHESHIRE CAT......

Senior executives at the Royal Bank of Scotland have been praised by the Prime Minister for their self-restraint in awarding themselves only £600m in bonuses, as a reflection of their major achievement of a £5.2b annual loss…., much as a result of serious malpractice……..and they say Alice was in Wonderland. 

TROT ROUND TO IKEA

Meatballs served in Ikea stores have been found to be contaminated with horsemeat.  A spokesman for Ikea said that the problem would have been identified earlier but the recipe was in Swedish and two of the ingredients were missing. Tests for Reindeer meat are still in progress.

AND THE WINNER IS .......

Well, the Italian elections are over and total chaos would appear to be the outcome. In the Senate Pier Luigi Bersani, of the Common Good Coalition, has most votes with around 10 million, while  Silvio Berlusconi, of the centre right coalition, and who still faces criminal charges for sleeping with an underage prostitute, a charge which he, of course, vehemently denies, follows closely with about 9.9 million votes.  Mario Monti  (with Monti for Italy) the man who has been trying to sort out Italy’s problems, was rewarded with a poor third ( 3.6 million). Meanwhile, in the Chamber of Deputies, the winner was Beppe Grillo, a stand up comedian, who says he will not form a coalition with any other party. So while stock markets around the world tumble at the news of the results, no one can say that the Italians aren’t taking the situation seriously.

I'M JUST SLIPPING OUT FOR A CURRY, DEAR.

I have just sat and listened to Edwina Curry, on the radio, going on about Lord Rennard, and spouting about his immorality touching ladies knees. Quite right said I.  Then I thought, Edwina Curry, isn’t she the one that was shagging Prime Minister Major?  Strange thing this immorality.

A "HANDS ON" CHIEF EXECUTIVE

Liberal Democrat peer and past chief executive of the party, Lord Rennard, is being investigated for “inappropriate behaviour” or “keeping in touch with the party workers” as it’s known. The incidents which happened some years ago (2003 to 2007) have come to light just a few days before the critical Eastleigh election.  Now that’s what I call unfortunate timing! 

AH MEN

Cardinal Keith O'Brien, the UK's most senior Roman Catholic cleric,has resigned after being accused of "inappropriate acts" towards fellow priests or “fiddling with the hymns” as it’s known. The accusations,which date back to the 1980s, mean that the Cardinal will not join the conclave to vote for the new Pope. Now that's what I call unfortunate timing!

SHUTTING THE GATE AFTER THE HORSE HAS BOLTED

The great horsemeat scandal continues to cause havoc throughout the food retail industry across much of Europe, but the biggest question is not where the meat came from or who first labelled it ‘beef’ but why has this outrage not attracted a ‘gate’ suffix like 'Watergate', ‘bloodgate’ or ‘plebgate’.   Here’s a few to be going on with: Starting gate,  Stable gate, Burger gate, Surrogate

BEEF GOING CHEEP, OR NEIGH OR WOOF!

 Findus has withdrawn its beef lasagne from supermarket shelves after tests showed that some batches contained 100% horse meat. How can such a thing arise?  Answer, it’s all part of the race to the bottom, making everything as cheap as possible.  Cheap meat is imported from the less salubrious parts of the continent, passes through a couple of traders to the manufacturers and then to the supermarkets.  We are assured that there is no danger to health.  A meaningless statement.  If the suppliers cannot even guarantee the species from which the meat came, what about the hygiene in the slaughterhouse, the veterinary checks required by law in this country, how do you know the that animals were not medicated with drugs harmful to human health, etc. etc. etc..  Keep your reassurances. Like your products they’re rubbish.  

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

Barclays is to increase the funds set aside for mis-selling to consumers and businesses by another £1bn, taking the total to £2.6bn.  Let us be clear, mis-selling is just a polite term for a certain type of fraud.  Fraud is a crime. Since this is going to cost billions of pounds it is a massive crime.  The leaders of the banks are responsible for this and are therefore fraudsters and criminals. WHERE ARE THE HANDCUFFS?

ADAM AND stEVE

Today there will be a parliamentary vote on the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill which will permit the marriage of gay couples.  The debate of the bill, which did not appear in any of the main party manifestos, will form a suitable distraction for all the real issues, such as the economy and our move towards yet another war, this time in Mali.   We are promised by the Prime Minister that no religious minister will be compelled to perform a same sex marriage if it is against his/her beliefs.  But it will take only one appeal to the European Court of Human Rights by a gay couple, claiming discrimination and a breach of their rights if they are not allowed to wed at their local parish church, for the promise, rather like the economy, to be broken.

MISSION CREEP

Oh God, it’s happening again. True wisdom is learning from your mistakes but true wisdom appears to be a commodity in very short supply among the French, the Americans  and the Brits. When will we ever learn.  First help with transport, then allowing the Americans to use our airport s, then supplying military advisers to Mali then……What is mission creep?  It is the person who takes us into yet another war.

BURGER ME

GOD BLESS AMERICA

So, the new hunting season has opened in the USA and the death toll is already over 20 schoolkids.  The National Rifle Association continues to promote every citizen’s right to carry a gun and in fact suggests that the answer to the periodic school killings is to have more weapons in schools. When claiming this right, they quote the United States bill of rights of 1791.  The founding fathers who drafted and approved the bill of rights could not  be expected to see more than 200 years into the future and to understand just how lethal modern weaponry is.  Therefore, I believe that every citizen should be allowed to bear arms, but only arms of the type that were around in the 1790s. With their slow loading and inaccuracy this would undoubtedly reduce the death toll. 

RACING OFF THE SHELVES

Officials are investigating how beefburgers on sale in UK and Irish supermarkets, including Tesco and Iceland, became contaminated with horsemeat. Most contained only a trace of horsemeat but in one batch nearly 30% of the meat content was equine.

   Several helpful suggestions have been contributed by members of the public including changing the name to hoofburgers and selling them as part of a mane meal deal. Tesco's are now saddled with the unwanted product but a company spokesman said " Every pony counts".

                                                     

LANCING THE BOIL

Lance Armstrong is reported to have admitted taking performance-enhancing drugs during the Oprah Winfrey show.  Come, come Lance, I know that being interviewed by Oprah is nerve-racking but I wouldn’t have thought that chemical support was needed.

NICK, NICK

Jim Davidson has been arrested by police investigating the Jimmy Saville abuse scandal.  He vigorously denies the charges involving two women, who were in their mid-twenties at the time of the alleged incidents. 

Like one or two of Mr Davidson's gags the charges are in bad taste and not funny.

.......AND A HAPPIER NEW YEAR

A Very Happy New Year to all both my readers.  Sorry I have been so quiet over the last few weeks ……  but Christmas and all that.  However, to start off 2013 with a bang here are a few predictions for the next 12 months.

1/  The weather again will be a great source of discussion.  It will either be too hot, too cold, too wet or too dry, The rivers will run red with blood and there will be a plague of locusts.  This will either be caused by Global Warming or moral decline as illustrated by the sales of “50 shades of Grey”.

2/  The USA will again be visited by Fiscal Cliff , whoever he is.

3/  The banks will be found to have engaged in yet another example of “creative” selling ……..  and still no senior executive will go to jail.

4/  The newspaper industry will set up its own regulatory body, so it will be dodgy business as usual.

So on this cheerful note, onwards and upwards.